Guide to U.S. Newspapers

US - NEWS PAPERS AND ITS READERS THINKING...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.


3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.


4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.


5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.


6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.


7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.


8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.


9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.


10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

STUDENTS AND TEACHER JOKES

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”

TEACHER : No, that’s wrong

GLENN : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

MILLIE : I is…

TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”

MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;

__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher

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Source:-http://humour.blog.co.in/

'THE MISER WAY OF LIFE'

LOYAL WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, ‘When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.’

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ‘Wait, just a minute!’

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, ‘I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.’

The loyal wife replied ‘Listen, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.’

‘You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?’

‘I sure did’ said the wife. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it..’

****************************************************************************

Under The Bed!!

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

I’ll sleep on it,” said Jimmy.

Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! And nobody(can enter) under there now!!!

' WARM '

Warm Lover
John was talking to his fiancee, Rebecca, and he said,

“Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?”

To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he said excitedly.

“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word "warm".”

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”

BED SECRETS

THIS WHAT CALLED BED SECRETS?

CAT - PUZZLE?

NOT YOU

CALM DOWM HONEY

HOSTAGE