FUNNY PICTURES

VARIETIES

What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

‘ Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !!

‘What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :

‘ Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ?

‘His father replied : ‘ Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.

‘Jimmy’s teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :‘ Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.

‘The mother wrote back the next day :‘ If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! ‘

A DIETITIAN

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? ”

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said,

“Wedding cake.”

EX-HUSBAND

Wife’s Ex-Husband

We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
I said “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him? ”

“Yes” she replies, “He’s my Ex-Husband, and has been drinking like that since, I left him seven years ago.”
I said, “That’s remarkable, I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”

She hasn’t spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?

CHILD INNOCENCE

Innocence at its best

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his

mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?

"She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is.

"Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?

"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked.........

..

..

..

"Then why did you eat him?"

HOW TO USE MOBILE/PHONES FOR A LONG CONVERSATION

HERE, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOME TIPS :-

HOW TO USE THE MOBILE OR CORDLESS PHONES FOR A LONGER CONVERSATION WITHOUT YOUR WORK GETTING AFFECTED.HOPE YOU AGREE WITH ME AFTER SEEING THESE PICTURES.

WORK / OFFICE TELEPHONE USE

Telephone bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and
the man of the house called a family meeting...
On a Saturday morning...
after breakfast...

Dad:People, this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:Same here,
I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.

Maids: So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!

 

AN AFFAIR

The Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered !
Have you been fooling around behind my back?

"The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Telephone conversation of Knott and Watt
Telephone conversation of William Knott and Mr. Watt.
Knott: Who's calling?
Watt : Watt.Knott: What is your name, please?
Watt : Watt's my name.
Knott: That's what I asked you. What's your name?
Watt : That's what I told you. Watt's my name.
A long pause, and then from Watt, Is this James Brown?
Knott: No, this is Knott.
Watt : Please tell me your name.
Knott: Will Knott.
Watt : Why not?
Knott: Huh? What do you mean why not?
Watt : Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
Knott: But I told you my name !
Watt : Didn't you say you will not ?
Knott: Not not, knott, Will Knott !
Watt : That's what I mean.
Knott: So you know my name.
Watt : Of course not !
Knott: Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt : Watt. Yours?
Knott: Your name !
Watt : Watt's my name.
Knott: How the hell do I know? I am asking you !
Watt : Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.
Knott: You have been patient, what about me?
Watt : I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
Knott: No it is you who haven't told your name !
Watt : Of course not !
Knott: See, you even know my name !
Watt : Of course not!
Knott: Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Watt : Because I don't.[Pause]
Knott: What is your name?
Watt : See, you know my name!
Knott: Of course not!
Watt : Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name ?
Knott: To find out your name !
Watt : But you already know it !
Knott: What ?
Watt : See, and you know mine!
Knott: Of course not!

NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.

Knott: Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?
Watt : Watt's my name.
Knott: No, no, give me only one word.
Watt : Watt
Knott: Your name!
Watt : Right![Pause before it hits him]
Knott: Oh, Wright!
Watt : Yeah!
Knott: So why didn't you say it before?
Watt : I told you so many times!
Knott: You never said Wright before
Watt : Of course I did.
Knott: Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
Watt : I do not.
Knott: Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
Watt : I do not!
Knott: Good! [Pause before it hits him]
Watt : Oh, Good!
Knott: Good
Watt : No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
Knott: No, it's Knott!
Watt : Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Good.
Knott: Yes Wright.

BEFORE AND AFTER

BEFORE AND AFTER

Before marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now, after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!

WHAT IS LAUGHTER?

WHAT IS LAUGHTER ?

Laughter is one of the least understood of human behaviors.

Scientists have found that during a good laugh three parts of the brain light up: a thinking part that helps you get the joke, a movement area that tells your muscles to move, and an emotional region that elicits the "giddy" feeling. But it remains unknown why one person laughs at your brother's foolish jokes while another chuckles while watching a horror movie.

John Morreall, who is a pioneer of humor research at the College of William and Mary, has found that laughter is a playful response to incongruities - stories that disobey conventional expectations. Others in the humor field point to laughter as a way of signaling to another person that this action is meant "in fun." One thing is clear: Laughter makes us feel better

SOFTWARE ENGINEER

It is a Conversation Between

Software Engineer and His Wife

Software engineer and his wife having conversation
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree?

Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning

Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan ! forget it where's your salary.

Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.

Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.

Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?

Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?

Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.

Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.

Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.

Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going.

Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

==========================================================

WHAT IS THERE IN HELL?

An Indian dies and goes to the hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.

"The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?

"He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why there are so many people waiting to get in ?

"Because the maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, some one has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."

BANTA'S LETTER TO BILL GATES

Banta's Letter To Bill Gates
(NOTE:- Banta is a new user of computer )

FROM
BANTA

To
BILL GATES,
M/S .THE MICROSOFT CORPOTION.

Subject: Problems with my new computer.

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'Run' he ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to 'Sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any 'Re-Scooter' is available in system? I find only 'Recycle', but
I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'Find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft Sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows say 'My Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

One personal questions..
How is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Regards,
Banta

LOVE LETTER IN COMMERCIAL STYLE

LOVE LETTER IN COMMERCIAL STYLE

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much , I dare to say that, You are my TVS - SCOOTY (First love) and BOSCH (Invented for life) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh ) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).

If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers).

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other) . Now that HYUNDAI(we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life) , SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy ) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me.
Ok bye!

I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).

LG (Digitally Yours) !!!!!
bye bye
=========================================================

FUN INTERVIEW

Santa's Interview

Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of good.
Santa: Bad.

Interviewer: Come.
Santa: Go.

Interviewer: Ugly.
Santa: Pichlli.

Interviewer: U G L Y?
Santa: PICHLLY !!!!!!!

Interviewer: Shut Up.
Santa: Keep Talking.

Interviewer: Get Out.
Santa: Come In.

Interviewer: Oh my God.
Santa: Oh your Devil.

Interviewer: You are rejected.
Santa: I am Selected.